Struggles

If I could only have a dollar for every time someone asked me when I was going to have another baby, WOW, and then if I could have another dollar for every time someone asked me while I was pregnant, Why I waited so long?, WOW. I think you get the picture, I would be rich.

When we got married almost 16 years ago we did want to wait a while before having a baby but then when we decided to get pregnant, it took almost 2 years, and to say the least, we were surprised and not truly expecting it that month. Maybe that is what it takes, stop trying so hard and just live life. Who knows. Soon after Gage was around 4 months and he was growing out of that newborn stage, my motherly instinct kicked in again and I wanted to be pregnant again, knowing with working and financially this was just not something we could do at this point. Soon the feeling left me and I moved on from that feeling. I think they call it the terrible 2's. When Gage was 5 we thought about another baby and nothing happened. Again, this became on the back burner. A few years later, feelings crept up again, and again, nothing happened. By this time people were constantly asking me if I was going to have anymore children. I always dismissed this as I did not want anymore, and I must admit, for a while I did not, but I mainly said this because I did not want people to know my struggles with infertility. I was ashamed of this. It was like a dirty little secret that we were not getting pregnant. What was wrong with us? I decided to visit my doctor and ask for help to only get her response that 1 child was enough and I did not need to have anymore. What, you are making this decision for me. I continued on my journey just living life as if it happened, then we would love and enjoy a new baby. Here were are in 2008, I am 34 years old, knowing my age is not helping matters any, and longing for another baby. The difference now is that I have ditched my once-loved doctor and moved on to a new doctor, willing to share my struggles and asking God for a baby, praying if it is his will. The difference too, I had been diagnosed with thyroid disease, and the doctor was saying I had had this since Gage was about 5. What, that long. Could this be my problem? More than likely it was. I had been treating this thyroid disease for about 2 years now, since I was about 32 years old. Thyroid disease is something that can totally mess up your entire body functioning, as many of you know as you struggle with this disease too. When I think back to my life, I knew this was a possibility, all the signs were there, but just dismissed it and went about my day. Now that I had switched OB-GYN doctors and willing to do testing and take fertility drugs if need be, we were making some progress. I was thinking my body was getting back to normal after all this time of dealing with these thyroid issues. The wonderful migraine headaches had returned thanks to my hormones, and I was now getting a positive on my ovulation tests. My new doctor was saying to give it 6 months of ovulation tests and then we would move to the next step. Sounded like a good idea. Five months later, no pregnancy, lots of tests, lots of positive ovulation tests but no positive pregnancy test. I meanwhile was praying, asking God for a baby, fasting and doing all I could. I would see people just have babies constantly not even trying, people just dropping babies by the roadside, people using drugs while pregnant. Life did not seem fair. I tried to tell myself that life is not fair, I had a good life, I had a healthy child and a loving husband, be thankful. I was thankful but still the desire was there. I can remember 1 week in particular in my life, remember the clothes I had on and the events of the day. I was so very tired by around 7 that evening, showered and ready for bed, the thought did pop into my mind I had not been this tired since being pregnant with Gage, I was late, but probably just another stupid negative test. I waited until morning, woke with an excruciating headache, figured what the heck, 1 test left, and if negative, giving up again. At this point we had purchased the digital tests. We needed that definite answer. We got that, our definite answer: PREGNANT. What? How could this be? I was ecstatic. And then the panic set it, what if this is wrong, what if something happens to the baby. I think I carried this feeling throughout my entire pregnancy, letting it rob me of much of the joy I should have been experiencing. I prayed that everything would be okay, and then 1 day I came across a verse. Samuel 1:27, "For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted me this." This to me was my sign. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He knows our life. He has our plan, not us. I firmly believe Aidan is a gift from God. Children are a gift from God. God has a time and a place in our life and we know not what or when. I have tried to make for sure each and every time someone has asked me why I waited so long for another baby to remind them that God has a plan for us and he has given me this baby when the time was right for him, and we have to follow God's plan.

After having Aidan I can remember going back for my checkup, missing my baby inside of me, know he was home and healthy, but missing being pregnant, knowing I may never get to be pregnant again. Still wanting to be pregnant. Sounds crazy, I know, but I think I had longed for this so long I did not want it to be over.

On a lighter note, here Aidan is about 4.5 months, same feelings creeping up again, should I have another baby so Aidan has a sibling closer in age. I say yes, Darrell says no. I hang on to baby clothes, pack them away instead of instantly getting rid of them. I hang on to maternity clothes, pack them away instead of getting rid of them. Would it be hard, yes. Would we struggle, yes. Would we make it, yes.

This morning as I look at my children, I love them so much and today I am wanting to have that other baby. Some days are hard, I am tired and overworked, but I would do it all again.

Teresa